"Multiple Stories of Non Consent"

Never Been Kissed- around age 13 at a family christian camp my family attended annually, a 15 yr old boy I perceived as cute but who I never spoke to before, snuck into my solo tent right infront of my family's tent. The audacity to sneak into a younger girls tent thT you've never spoken to, 5 feet away from her ferocious single mom, at a Christian camp he was a guest to... Still mind boggles me as an adult. Thankfully I'm a stomach sleeper. I firmly pressed my frontal everything to my air mattress like my life depended on it while also pretending I was sleeping. After he groped my behind and tried to get to my front unsuccessfully, he left my tent. I never told anyone. Now I lock my tent zippers.

Highschool Party - My mom was extremely strict. House parties were out of the question. So when I snuck myself to one I obviously had to find a place to sleep last minute. 3 boys, 2 closer friends were going to sleep in a car, I asked if I could as well - big mistake. Unfortunately I was seated in the backseat with the boy I liked and trusted the least. I should've sat in the front. One of them should've allowed me the front. Seats back, head in trunk, trying to sleep - my button and zipper of my pants get undone. I immediately know who it must be but I never saw him or heard him (my head was in the trunk and it was pitch black. The audacity of a boy I am not friends with and have never flirted with to undo my pants like this without consent still mind boggles me as an adult. I was frozen and embarrassed. Are my other 2 friends complicit? Watching? I had no clue. I should've freaked out and ran. But I froze and pretended I had consented since he acted as if I had. I found out later it had been gossiped about to others and from the boys in the car, as if I was a slut that would do that willingly. God knows who all knows their version. No one knew mine.

VCard- I was especially vulnerable as I had just left home and left grade 12, 3 months before grading. I messaged the boy I had my first kiss with for some closeness... He ended up taking my VCard on someone's front lawn. I didn't consent or not consent. I was vulnerable, wanted closeness and that's what he took. He left and we never talked again. I just wanted a friend, not to have this story.

Show Room - I started working as a dishwasher at 14 at an old folks home. There was a cute 21 yr old dishwasher as well. He lived in the building oddly. One night when I was 17 and he was 24, he knew when I finished work. He came by and heavily started flirting. It turned into a secret fling and lots of scandalous and illegal sexual activity. In retrospect he very clearly groomed me and I was extremely vulnerable. Abandoned and abused, I left home at 16. I never told anyone. Now he has a beautiful family and is a cop.

Pervert Boses- around age 17-19 I experienced 2 pervert bosses.one was a retail store. He was flirty with everyone and in his late 30s, also married. I may have smiled or blushed at his flirting or light hand touches, but never flirted back. One night it was just him and I closing shop. We move from front to back to cashout. As I'm walking back with til I look up and see his pants down large prejiz wet spot on his grey boxers with a noticable erection. I stopped, was paralyzed, mouth open. He went to back room and I was terrified for what waited back there. I stalled to make the point, but I should've left. But I felt a duty to finish my shift. He now has a kid, is still married, is a realtor. I never told anyone.

Another boss who was in his 50s and I was his 19 yr old hostess would load my booth with candy and followed me to the bar as if I invited him and wanted to spend the night with him. Somehow I got out of that situation and quit. Very scary.

Boyfriend- my longest bf (6 yrs) was only meant to be an accidental blackout hookup (I didn't recall a thing) at 19. But he drove me home and expected another go. I froze in disgust and hangover, laying there as he dripped sweat on me. It felt owed since he drove me home and payed for booze. That same audacity and persistence made me give in after a series of no responses when he kept asking me to be his gf. I was on a death path so it seemed like a life line at the time. In retrospect we used eachother. I was so elated yrs later when it finally ended. He also wouldn't accept the breakup either. In retrospect, he never respected my no's and I allowed it, taking advantage of what I could when I could.

Drugged - one night at the bar I must've had a drugged drink. The night had barely started and I felt blackout. The lights and noise were too much and I couldn't hold my body up or talk, so I ran out of the club. I collapsed 50 feet away on the curb. I remember trying to text for help but I couldn't text. I couldn't even sit up. Next thing I know I hear "Hannah. Hannah? Is that you?" It was my friends ex bf in a cab I think. I deduced I am in a bad state downtown at midnight and I needed help. This was my chance. So somehow I got in the car with him. I recall my head between my feet and the cab man asking if I was going to vomit. I remembered my gfs exes neighbourhood. So it must've been his mom's place. Next thing I remember it felt like I was placed on a coroner's table but slanted. I was unable to move or speak. I just remember him pulling off my panties and entering. I remember thinking unimpressed at his penis size, especially with how obsessed my gf had been with him when they dated. The next day he was kind enough to drive me home. I recall his truck and the very silent ride. I tried to tell one friend but she acted like I was a slut that slept with our mutual friends ex intentionally or even just drunkenly. I was beyond hurt and mortified. Completely abandoned and betrayed. After that, I told no one since not even my best friend believed me or helped me. Now he is on the run and owes people a lot of money.

Finally, Baby Daddy - a story I never get to tell because I still must collaborate and co-parent so my kid has the best outcome possible. I was 23, he was 37, divorced with 2 kids and my landlord. I remember him making eyes at me and me blushing when I signed the tenancy. He was very attractive and I was a traumatized and vulnerable naive young lady. Perfect bait. I was a lost cause when he was glistening chopping firewood in the sun shirtless. He came over that night to fix the closet and kissed me. It turned into a secret love affair. He poured it on thick. Told me he loved me, sent poetry and bought me things. I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Despite birth control I got knocked up. I knew I would keep the baby because I had already been through abortion PTSD from the previous bf I wrote about, and that healing was realizing abortion was the wrong choice for me. As soon as baby came mr. Nice romantic guy was completely gone and a selfish misogynistic scammer prick had taken his place. He played me on and off for and additional 10 years. And over those 10 years. Everytime I was doing well on my own he would try and bait me back. Finally closed that chapter.

The Final Straw - in an attempt to move on from baby daddy I tried tinder and found a dude that went to my previous school. My mom knew his parents and we had tons of mutuals, how bad could other? Very bad.i repeat, VERY BAD! He proposed after 3 months and told insane stories but I was pretty numb and desperate. I ended it when I saw how not sober he was. I found out later he is a pathological, psychopath who preys on single moms and is a known scammer being sued by other victims. I was scared for months he was stalking me. I officially lost all trust and hope in myself and men. This was the lesson I needed to scare myself celibate until I learn to slowdown and choose better behaviours and men.

These are my untold abuse stories. Mine thankfully are less violent than many beautiful souls. But covert abuse and violence is subtle, enduring and traumatic nonetheless. I found this website in my masters of counselling program. I plan to help people who have experienced trauma. That is how I will reclaim my power and dignity. This writing is another form of resistance.