"Reflecting & taking accountability "

Well....I think I both want to take accountability but then also want to apologize and in an effort to repair harm. When I was in college, there was a guy who spent a lot of time around my group of friends. He was also gay. I was always mean to him; in the present day, I know it was because I was self-hating, closeted, and grew up with machismo views. But not only was I mean to him, I said some really bad things to him and the last one I remember was being at a party with all of our friends and we were dancing and having a good time. Something happened with the group of friends they had in common, and he came to take away the girl I was dancing with to go and help their friend. I got upset and in front of all of our friends, I yelled at him to "get out of here you f*****g f****t." He stopped and looked at me in shock and then ran out of the room crying. Its the last time I ever actually spoke to him after that. Years passed since then, like 15 years, I came out as gay 10 years ago now; and recently like 4 years ago I reached out to him to apologize and tell him how ashamed I felt about what I did to him. And he responded "why would you reach out to me to remind me of this awful experience you put me through this 15 years ago. I am happy in my life and don't need your apology or want it" I felt shame and guilt about it; I even thought back to all the moments it happened to me after I cam out (some might say karma, I say homophobia). I know now this story won't change what I did, and it won't change how I made him feel, and that while I apologized to him, he had every right to deny my apology. What I did was not okay. It was hurtful, disrespectful, and unkind to another human. It did not hold their dignity and that is not who I want to be in this world. I've done a lot of work to be a better person including going through my own healing and education journey. And now I dedicate myself and my life to helping others and improving the lives and general well-being of humans and how we interact with each other. I serve through activism, and fighting for the rights & voices of LGBTQ+, People of Color, Women, Children, the Elderly, and People living with HIV.